Winter Park Fish Co. Food Truck - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Another Food Truck Bazaar popped up last Sunday by the Fashion Square Mall.  I missed the first one.  Truth be told, I’ve been missing the entire food truck craze happening around town lately. I’m not even sure why the concept is so popular, so I wrote it off as a fad. My idea of eating out is not being the one outside of the venue, peering in through a window wonder just what the hell is happening to my potential meal in there. I like going to a restaurant, sitting down in some air conditioning while an attentive server places my order with an unseen kitchen staff and then brings me an excellent meal on a plate. I still haven’t been to Four Rivers for BBQ.  Inadequate parking, standing outside in a line, ordering at a counter and then hoping I get a seat at some uncomfortable table just doesn’t appeal to me. The food may damn well be excellent, but the experience isn’t one for me.

However, sometimes fads make for interesting subjects and I had some free time late Sunday.  Not enough free time to really get into the whole experience, though. Rather than planning on visiting for some food, I planned it as a photo exercise and to satisfy a bit of my curiosity, too. That said, I only managed to order something from one of the trucks.

Red Eye BBQ - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Having never seen these trucks before, I was hoping for some colorful vehicles.  Also, I kind of wanted to see a few of them together. My idea was more visual than practical, but I’m selfish like that. The trucks were scattered around the parking lot.  It wasn’t visually attractive, but the idea was practical – make room so the line from one truck doesn’t screw up the line from another one.  My own sensibility would be to have them park in a circle – sort of like covered wagons fending off an attack. It would give the operators a bit of a safety zone in the middle, and the lines for each truck could extend out like spokes on a bicycle wheel. Practical, sensible, and far more photogenic.  Since I wasn’t consulted, they went with the scattered approach and it worked.

Yum Yum Cupcake Truck - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

The only truck that I really knew I had to try was the Yum Yum Cupcake Truck.  I have this cupcake fetish lately.  Having recently come back from Las Vegas, I was in need of a great cupcake.  While there, I tried a place called Sugar.  Very over the top and impressed with themselves, the cupcakes at Sugar taste like dried dog-shit.  Seriously, it was dry and almost crunchy cake.  By far and away, it was the most pathetic dessert I’ve ever eaten, and that includes anything made by a child with an Easy Bake Oven. With that disaster on my mind, I eagerly approached the Yum Yum truck and tried the Carrot and Red Velvet cupcakes.

Meh.  It wasn’t bad by any stretch of the imagination.  It just didn’t blow me away. The cake was good, but the icing seemed to have a consistency more like whipped cream than what I expected.  Good flavor in the cake, but not so much in the icing. I’m glad that I finally tried it, but I’ll stick with Sweet! by Miss Holly for my cupcakes in the future.  Everyone has their own tastes and these guys appear to have a lot of fans.  They brought out 1400 cupcakes and sold out.  That wouldn’t happen if the cupcakes sucked, so please don’t misinterpret me.  It’s a good product.  It’s just my own preferences are a little different.

Tree House Truck - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

I pretty much keep to myself when I go out.  One of the guys from Tree House Truck saw me shooting and asked if I was shooting for a newspaper.  I told him it was just for my little blog.  He asked which one and I reluctantly told him.  Surprisingly, he’d heard of it and didn’t call me an asshole. Now that’s a nice touch! Of course, that was when it dawned on me that one of the big attractions of this event is the social gathering. Even though I had to leave fairly early into the event, I was watching things go back & forth about it on Twitter. One person mentioned that it reminded him of Block Parties in Brooklyn. That aspect seems pretty cool. On my way back to my car, I noticed a few couples sitting on their bumper eating food on little tray tables they setup – very smart. I was walking around trying to juggle a camera, tripod, a pair of cupcakes and a bottle of Orange Crush while my pants were falling off my ass. Smooth, I know.

From everything I could tell, this event was a great success.   People were happy and trucks were selling out. I’m following a few of them that have Twitter and Facebook accounts, so maybe one day I’ll try this for a meal.  Just remind me to bring my own chair and table.  If someone wants to act as my server, I tip well.

One problem, I had no fucking idea where to find it. I was spinning around Winter Park and parts of Orlando, but I finally found the place at 1234 N. Orange Ave and ambled inside. Plenty of people dining outside and plenty more dining inside. That seemed like a good sign to me, because nobody wants to eat at a place others avoid. I expected a great meal.

Of course, what I got instead was bent over a table, cheeks spread apart so I could get fucked in the ass by the hostess who cheerfully told me that the kitchen closed at 2:00. They’re closed now.  I guess all of those people who were still dining would soon get the nudge from their server to get out. Either that, or they’re already grandfathered-in to the Pig’s hours.

With that in mind, I went to Brio and had lasagna and a pretty nice mini Carrot Cake dessert.  Truth be told, I wanted to support the little guy instead of a chain restaurant. However, the little guy needs to make some kind of effort to meet me halfway.  Try to be open on a Saturday afternoon when I walk inside to give you my money.  Let’s just say that my first impression of The Ravenous Pig was disappointment and confusion.

I’ve heard of restaurants that don’t open for lunch on a Saturday afternoon, but open for dinner (e.g., Sam Snead’s Tavern in Maitland). If the lunch business is slow, I don’t blame a business for not spending the money to staff a place if the expected return won’t be there. Restaurants routinely cut workers if business drops off. However, I’m confused by the notion of opening for lunch, closing, and then opening again for dinner.  I’m especially confused when they turn away business.  I wasn’t the only one entering the place looking for a bite to eat.  A couple of other cars with folks were entering as I was leaving.

Now that I’m home, I checked the web site for the hours.  Sure enough, it says it’s open for lunch from 11:30 – 2:00*. Damn if I understand the purpose of the asterisk. That usually denotes there’s some more information or an explanation below, but I don’t see it on the page.  Perhaps it’s a mystery.  Perhaps the hours are only true when they feel like it.  Perhaps it’s an indication that they haven’t yet kicked out the people you see still eating if you arrive three minutes after the kitchen closes.

In any case, The Ravenous Pig had a chance to earn my business and it failed at the most basic level.  They didn’t even try.

From Orlando (Waterford Lakes Store in East Orlando), Jessica Moody:

Jessica Moody - photo courtesy of Hooters Magazine

From Lakeland, Janet Layug:

Janet Layug - photo courtesy of Hooters Magazine

Here’s the detail information I received from Hooters.

[quote]

16 Hooters Girls Vying for Votes to Become the Next Hooters Dream Girl

(Atlanta, GA)  16 of the most gorgeous Hooters Girls from around the country will be featured in the Hooters Dream Girl television show.  Each Hooters Girl was selected to compete in the Hooters Dream Girl Bikini Bracket Challenge and is hoping to get the most online votes and ultimately be named 2011 Hooters Dream Girl.  The show airs on February 19th at 11 PM on FX, followed by a re-air on February 21st on FSN.

The following Hooters Girls were selected to film the TV show in Cancun, Mexico for 1 week to stake her claim in the competition through photo shoots, interviews and beach challenges.  The Hooters Girl that receives the most votes and makes it through all 4 weeks of the Bikini Bracket will be featured on the cover of Hooters Magazine and be named 2011 Hooters Dream Girl.

2011 Hooters Dream Girls

•             Ashleigh Dunn, Hooters of Newnan, GA

•             Juliette Cabrere, Hooters of Doral, Miami, FL

•             Tia Jackson, Hooters of Saugus, MA

•             Chelsie Hurst, Hooters of Saginaw, MI

•             Theresa Trujillo, Hooters of Campbell, CA

•             Lindsey Way, Hooters of Fort Lauderdale, FL

•             Sam Arena, Hooters of Cumberland, Atlanta, GA

•             Megan Dedousis, Hooters of East Brunswick, NJ

•             Victoria Brown, Hooters of Baltimore, MD

•             Susan Murray, Hooters of Katy, TX

•             Brooke Borso, Hooters of Channelside, Tampa, FL

•             Janet Layug, Hooters of Lakeland, FL

•             Rachel Mortenson, Hooters of Phoenix, AZ

•             Jessica Moody, Hooters of Waterford Lakes – Orlando, FL

•             Allison Baker, Hooters of Pensacola, FL

•             Stephanie Haney, Hooters of Santa Monica, CA

The top Hooters Girls with the most votes will move on the next round during the 3 elimination periods.   You can view the photos and vote for your favorite at www.Foxsports.com/Hooters.  Voting begins after the show airs Saturday night.[/quote]

You may remember Jessica as the winner of the Hooters Swimsuit Regional Finals that I previously covered on the blog. I apologize that the show has already aired, but I just heard about this last night and decided to pass it along because I like to see local folks have support from their community.

To make-up for the late notice, I’ll toss in something else. Go get yourself a free treat from Hooters – today only.

Hooters Free Offer - Feb. 22nd.

The Problem

I’m eating a lot of asparagus these days. It’s basically because I’ve drastically improved my diet six days a week and I needed to add some vegetables to the mix. Unfortunately, I hate most vegetables. Sure, I can eat some carrots if they’re cooked in a nice soup, but I’m not a fan of them otherwise. I’ve tried broccoli and found it edible, but not enjoyable. I’m not a fan of the squash family. Green beans are fine if you slow cook ‘em, but I also need something that’s relatively quick & easy to prepare, yet fresh. I tried a bag of green beans from Publix that you steam in the microwave. Damn, that was horrible and tasteless.

I found that asparagus fit the bill perfectly. Drizzle a little olive oil on it, sprinkle a small amount of sea salt and cracked pepper, and then put them on the George Foreman grill for five minutes.  It’s perfect every time.

Publix was doing a decent job of providing my fix, but something changed recently. Instead of finding some nice, plump asparagus, they switched entirely to this skinny pencil asparagus. You need twenty of those things to equal a good spear, so I passed. Now I had a real dilemma, though. My diet still needs vegetables and I’ve lost my source.  Clearly, I needed to find another dealer supplier.

Sanford Farmer’s Market

I decided to skip the middle-man and go right to the source. Checking around, I discovered that Sanford had a Farmer’s Market every Saturday, and Orlando has one every Sunday. Starting on Saturday in Sanford, I found more disappointment than vegetables.

Sanford Farmer's Market Vendors - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Downtown Sanford is really a nice place to visit on a Saturday afternoon. Parking is a bit of a challenge, but that just means you may have to walk a block or so – it’s not a big deal. I made my way to the market and immediately saw the first vendor selling produce. Nice folks, but they didn’t have any asparagus. In fact, most of their stuff was gone because I didn’t get there until after lunch. If you want to get the good stuff from a farmer at one of these markets, be early and get the first pick.

Undaunted, I went to the next vendor. The thing that surprised me was that the next vendor wasn’t a farmer, but a baker. Another nice couple of folks were selling cupcakes, complete with free samples.

Darling Cupcakes - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Looking around, I found another vendor selling Kettle Korn (I’m not sure why corn was spelled with a “K”, but I’m not an expert on marketing). They also had free samples, which was really very good. The stuff was being cooked up right there on the sidewalk.  If my father were still around, he would’ve brought home a couple of bags.

Custom Kettle Korn - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Once again, I kept moving. As I worked my way back through the vendors, I only found two other booths selling actual produce. One had a selection of lettuce and another had some potatoes, tomatoes, etc. Not much, though. Everyone else was selling t-shirts, jewelry, or some stuff that never saw a farm at all.  I don’t get it.  It’s a nice market and full of friendly folks, but it was not at all what I expected from a Farmer’s market.

Silly me, I expected farmers with a lot of produce to share. After all, why call it a Farmer’s Market when most of the vendors aren’t farmers? I have all the cheap jewelry I need (which is to say, none). Other folks were selling plants and there was a guy performing music for the crowd. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice gathering and market. It’s just not a Farmer’s market. At the very least, there’s no asparagus to be found in Sanford.

Plan B

Perhaps my expectations are too high. Perhaps Orlando’s Farmer’s Market would be just as disappointing. I’m not going there to shop for crap I don’t need or be entertained. I just want to buy some vegetables. If you can’t depend upon a farmer to provide your produce needs, there’s only one place to turn.

Clemons Produce - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Clemons Produce has been around since about 1970, I think.  It’s in the south end of town on Curry Ford road in a little strip mall. The place is old school, just rows of produce and some folks working there in aprons. Cash or check; no credit or debit cards. They have things in there that I can’t even identify, so chances are pretty good that you can find the produce you want in this place.

That said, I had a hard time finding any asparagus there. I was about to walk out in disappointment when I came across the manager. He pointed me to the end row, three feet down. I got there, looked, and still couldn’t see it. Well, that’s because there wasn’t much asparagus there. Only three bundles left, but at least it looked better than what I saw at Publix. Still not as plump as I would prefer, but it’s not really asparagus season. It was very fresh, though.  After cooking some up, I knew it was worth the trip instead of getting that stuff at the grocery store.

I never did make it to the Orlando Farmer’s Market, but that’s OK.  Instead of worrying about avoiding the middle-man, I learned the lesson is to go to the right middle-man.

Sanford Farmer’s Market
200 East 1st Street, Sanford Florida 32771
Center of Downtown Historic Sanford.
Magnolia Square

Clemons Produce
3325 Curry Ford Rd
Orlando, FL 32806
(407) 897-1413

Orlando is home of a two-time champion Cupcake Warrior – Hollis Wilder. Until this past weekend, I didn’t know it because she earned this title on The Food Network. As an American with a Y chromosome, I have an aversion to cooking shows, minivans, and anything endorsed by Oprah. However, I’m glad that she’s put her stake in the ground here in Orlando, because Sweet! by Good Golly Miss Holly makes some damn find cupcakes.

It Started With a Birthday

Not for Ms. Wilder, but for me. After all, this is my blog, so the story is really about me and how I came to discover these awesome treats. Let’s go back a couple of years.  I was in Downtown Orlando at a photography workshop. It’s exactly what you think – a bunch of old men with cameras and beautiful young models in bikinis and boots. No wonder I love photography. At any rate, one of the old men who was assisting the workshop promoter mentioned that his birthday was on the next day when we came back. Quite by coincidence, there was some street festival right downstairs by Lake Eola. I walked through after a day of shooting beautiful young women in bikinis and boots, only to find a stand by someone called The Dessert Lady.  Never heard of her before, but she was selling cupcakes.  I bought a bunch of them, figuring that I’d offer them up for the birthday boy on the next day.

Everyone is happy to see the cupcakes and we all reach for them and take a bite at the same time; photographers, models, make-up artists.  On that first bite, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE stops and we just look at each other with surprise that’s slowly turning into delight. These were the best damn cupcakes we’d ever had. It was like a little chocolate orgasm for your mouth, and I mean that in a good way. Once we realize that everyone is having the same sensation, we scoff down every last crumb of those cupcakes. I hadn’t paid much attention to the nice lady who sold me these cupcakes, but now I wanted to go back and offer to mow her lawn or provide other services to get more of these things. It was absolutely mind-blowing that a cupcake could be so delicious.

The Diet Rules

So let’s fast-forward a bit.  Last year, my day job responsibilities changed and I was stuck in an office environment. Not good for me, compared to working at home. Despite trying to keep a good diet, I gained 30 pounds over the course of the year. Oddly enough, the office is close to Sweet!, but I wasn’t aware of it. This year, I’m back to working at home and have good control of my diet. Lots of baked fish or chicken, some grilled vegetables, and just nutritionally balanced food – for six days a week.

On the seventh day, all hell breaks loose on my diet. That’s my free day, and I can have what I want. Sadly, what I wanted, or thought I wanted, has been very disappointing to me lately. I’ve learned that I don’t want to eat a lot of bad food on my free day, but I do want to try a lot of different flavors that I deny myself during the rest of the week. One weekend, all I craved was an Oatmeal Creme Pie.  Damn kid at 7-11 had never even heard of those before.  The schools are failing our children, but I digress.

This past weekend, I wanted a cupcake.  Not just some supermarket cupcake, but a delicious bit of heaven, like I had from The Dessert Lady. I started searching online and found her locations and hours. On Saturday, she didn’t open until 4:00 pm.  Hell, that just wouldn’t do!  I wanted my cupcake and I wanted it now.  On a whim, I went to Google and searched for “Orlando’s best cupcake.”  If we can have blogs devoted to a pointless quest for Orlando’s best burger (yes, I’m just like everyone else with a blog), why can’t we have a Best Cupcake?

Sweet!

That’s when I first learned of Holly’s cupcakes. The weather was miserable and it was a 25 mile drive to get there, but I want what I want. On such a lousy day, I didn’t expect to find much of anyone else at a cupcake joint.

Sweet Line - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Clearly, I was an idiot. There was a line out the door, and it was raining. Fortunately, the line moved very quickly. In fact, it moved too quickly for me to make up my mind. I couldn’t see the cupcake flavors ahead, so I was worried about holding up the people behind me. Also, I was distracted by the frozen yogurt lining the wall.

Sweet Yogurt - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

There are a bunch of flavors with self-serve cups and plenty of toppings available. There were also some small sample cups to try before you buy, so that made this tempting.  I, however, had to focus.  I’m there for cupcakes, not frozen yogurt; tempting though it may be. Oh, and there were cupcakes!

Sweet Cupcakes - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Look at all those cupcakes, and there are more of them on the side.  Just sitting there, waiting to be scarfed up or carried away. In the back, more cupcakes were coming out on trays and all I could think is that I want those cupcakes, too.  These, those, and any more you have in the back.

These aren’t cheap cupcakes, though – $33 per dozen. I want to try the flavors, but let’s be honest. I only have one free day and how many cupcakes can you realistically eat in a day? I don’t want to pig out. I want to try flavors. Fortunately, there’s an answer for that – mini cupcakes. You can get a little box of four at a reasonable price, so that’s just what I did.

Great Service

Once I reached the front, I found the girls working behind the counter were all friendly and just a pleasure to be around. I told the person helping me that I wasn’t quite sure of what to get and I kind of expected her to hurry me along, but that did’t happen. I hope this isn’t just a lucky day for me, because I was really impressed by the great customer service.  Holly, you picked some nice people to staff your store. I managed to find three flavors on my own – Carrot, Red Velvet and Cookies ‘n Cream, but then I asked for advice about the last one. She recommended a Black & Gold.  It sounded odd to me, but it turned out to be a good choice.

The Unboxing

Somehow, I just knew that I would be sharing this story on the blog. That’s why I delayed gratification. Instead of gobbling up the goodies right then and there, I paused. I drove 25 miles back home, setup a little table-top studio and pulled out my massive camera. Yes, dear reader, I suffer for you.

Sweet Box - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Sweet Opening - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Cupcakes by Holly - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

So How Did They Taste?

Once again, photography and cupcakes collided in my life. After the photos were done, I decided to eat them in reverse order of desire. Always savor the best taste for the end. Since I wasn’t familiar with the Black & Gold, I started with it. It happened again. Just like years before with The Dessert Lady cupcakes, I took a bite and had to stop.  Good God, it was delicious. These cupcakes were better than a massage with a happy ending. The icing of the Carrot cupcake had a bit of a kick to it, perhaps like a ginger-mint flavor.  I could be wrong, but it was a nice surprise. Each and every bite was a joy, and four of them was the right amount to satisfy my craving. Every aspect of this little treat was an outstanding success.

Orlando’s Best Cupcake

So who do I give the crown for Orlando’s Best Cupcake? I can’t tell right now. Comparing something from a couple of years ago to something I had last weekend isn’t fair. Instead, I’ll simply say that they were both excellent treats and I’m glad we have them in Orlando.  Forget those grocery store cupcakes with the crusty icing. You deserve a treat and both of these businesses deserve your patronage. Go have a cupcake and smile.

I went to Hamburger Mary’s with great expectations, but what I found was bland and disappointing. Every paper, city guide and blog in town is in an annual search for the area’s best burger. Hamburger Mary’s is a frequent front-runner and it won the reader poll on Scott Joseph’s Food Blog last year. I should have known better than to trust a reader poll.  These are the same folks who routinely pick Five Guys as the best burger. When you’re dining experience revolves around McDonald’s & Burger King, I’m sure Five Guys seems quite exotic to you. However, all you’ve done is prove that you shouldn’t have a right to vote.

The Atmosphere

Hamburger Mary's Interior - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

Hamburger Mary’s is also a chain restaurant, but it definitely has more character than the usual fast food alternatives. It’s bright and colorful, filled with kitsch from the 60′s style lanterns to the statue of Hamburger Mary, herself. There are flat-screen TVs playing pop video music, including Justin Beiber. Not what I wanted, but I suppose it fit with the theme. In fact, I’d say that this establishment is more deserving of the Hooter’s phrase, “Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined.” There’s patio seating out front, a large open area filled with tables, separated by a short-wall from the bar area. Then, as you can see in the image above, there’s a back area where customers go to be ignored. That’s where I was seated after waiting for a few minutes at the podium for someone to find time to show me to a table.

The Service

I haven’t experienced service this slow since I visited Amsterdam. The restaurant was moderately busy and appeared half-full to me. The gentleman who eventually seated me took my drink order (Un-sweet tea) and returned it with as few ice cubes as you’re likely to get in an Amsterdam restaurant, and told me that my server would be with me soon. After “soon” passed, and then some, a friendly woman appeared and took my order. I knew I wanted a burger, but didn’t really want to go for some of the creations they provided (e.g., Sloppy Mary, Spicy Mary, Proud Mary, etc.). The menu indicated that burgers would be cooked to Medium temperature, unless otherwise indicated. That sounded good to me, so I reinforced it in my order. All I wanted was cheese, ketchup, raw onion and some dijon mustard. She asked me what kind and rattled off the available choices, so I selected Pepperjack cheese to go with it. Then I asked her which was better – the onion rings or the fries. No doubt in her mind, get the onion rings.

I also noticed that they have a dessert of the week, so I inquired about that. This time, it was a Dreamsicle cake – orange caked with cream cheese icing.  Damn, I have to admit that sounded good. With that in mind, I eagerly anticipated my meal.

The Food

Hamburger Mary's burger & onion rings - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

The wait for my meal was a bit longer than I anticipated, but not inordinately late. A food runner delivered my meal and immediately left. The first thing I noticed was that I didn’t get my dijon mustard. The next thing I noticed was Swiss cheese, rather than the Pepperjack cheese that I ordered. I turned to look over my shoulder for my server to at least get the mustard, but she was nowhere to be found. Perhaps she was in the back, I don’t know. She wasn’t on the floor taking care of other customers.  I know, because I had PLENTY of time to spend looking for her.

While I was waiting, I decided to at least try the onion rings before they got cold. Too late, though. While not cold, they were’t hot. In fact, they tasted stale. I’m guessing these onion rings had been sitting around somewhere before they were delivered to me. They definitely didn’t live up to the expectation my server created.

Still more waiting, but no server.  I tried to wave at other servers, but they apparently don’t cast a gaze in the back where guests go to starve. Finally, I got up and walked toward the kitchen door. Another server came out and I said, “Hi…I….” as he walked right past me. Somehow, he realized that I was trying to get his attention and he came back. I asked him if he could find my server, as I just needed some mustard for my burger. He was nice enough and went and got some mustard for me. Not the dijon that I’d ordered, but that nasty yellow mustard that most of you people who voted for Five Guys usually eat.

Screw it. By this time, about ten minutes had passed since my meal was first brought out and I still hadn’t seen my server. I accepted my fate and adorned my burger with ketchup & mustard, then took my first bite. My mind could not understand the sheer bland taste that came to it. I couldn’t detect any hint of seasoning or flavor on the meat itself. Even a fast-food joint uses a bit of salt on the burger. This is the burger that people swear is one of Orlando’s best burgers?

I’m sorry, but you people are idiots. This isn’t a top burger. This isn’t a top Five burger, or even a top Ten burger. It’s a cut above most fast food joints because of the bun, but I’d rather have a Wendy’s beef patty than the boring burger that I was served at Hamburger Mary’s. My meal was a total flop.

The Server

Although boring, it was still a meal. I suffered for you folks. When the burger was all but 1/3rd gone, my server finally appeared to ask how it was. That’s the kind of question you ask after a patron has his first bite, not his last. She noticed that I had the wrong mustard and told me how she’d specially noted it on the order. Sadly, I informed her that the mustard didn’t even appear with the order. She worked to correct the problem and brought my dijon mustard. Although too late to really matter, I appreciate her effort. Like I said, she’s a nice lady.

After the meal was done, she asked if I was ready for the Creamsicle cake. There was no way I wanted any more food from this place. I’ve already been disappointed with the burger and onion rings, so I didn’t want to add to that by having a disappointing cake. I told her the meal was quite filling and asked for the check.

Shortly after that, another gentleman arrived at my table and said he’d heard there was a mixup with the mustard. I paused a moment, because that kind of complaint really sounds silly and not worthy of mention. After all, I didn’t ask for a manger or anything like that. I just accepted my fate. Beside, getting the wrong mustard was the least of my problems, just as getting the wrong cheese wasn’t that big of a deal. It was the slow service and bland food that really bothered me. I couldn’t see any point in bringing all of that up now, though. I’d finished my meal and just wanted to pay my check, so I mumbled something and figured that was the end of it.

I was told that things were a little crazy for them for a while, but I never want to hear that excuse. Restaurants all over America get busy and they still manage to deliver food and follow-up on it. Blaming things on “being crazy” just tells me that you’re not good at your job. Restaurant people, please don’t ever use that excuse. It’s not valid, particularly when the restaurant isn’t full.

The Check

Hamburger Mary's guest check - © Copyright 2011 by Orlando Local

In another fit of kitsch, Hamburger Mary’s delivers your check in a red high heel shoe. What I didn’t notice right away was that the check came with a 50% discount. Up until that point, I was under the impression that the staff was blissfully unaware of the miserable experience I’d just had in their establishment. Everyone was nice, but just inattentive. I mentioned to my server that the discount was a surprise to me, but I was thankful for it and tipped her accordingly for the full price, not the discount.

The Bottom Line

Would I go back? Honestly, no. There are plenty of other places in town where you can get a better burger and, just as important, much better service. I can see visiting if you’re on Church Street and all the restaurants across the street are busy, but I would not advise anyone to make a trip there just to eat this bland burger. Go to Graffiti Junktion. It’s better and also a bit less expensive.

As for those of you who voted for Hamburger Mary’s as one of Orlando’s Best Burgers, you have my everlasting contempt.

Hamburger Mary’s Bar & Grille

The only thing different about today is that it’s my free day. Basically, that means I get to eat anything I want. The rest of the week, I’m exercising and eating healthy meals. Honestly, I don’t mind it.  After putting on weight last year being in an office, it’s really a nice change of pace to have more control over my diet while working at home. My trainer (she who forces me to lift heavy objects) is actually concerned that I’m not getting enough calories per day, but I don’t seem to feel hunger.

She needn’t worry today.  I woke up hungry and was determined to have a real breakfast. Actually, I planned it last night.  I was checking local reviews and people seemed consistently satisfied with Peach Valley Cafe in Lake Mary, FL. It seemed worth trying.

One thing the reviews warned about was to get there early, as this is a popular breakfast spot on weekends. True enough, I was in a line of cars pulling into the parking lot about 7:30 this morning. Fortunately for me, a few of those folks went to the Panera Bread right next door. A couple of bikers walked into Peach Valley Cafe with me, though. Part of me wished that I’d ridden my bike – after all, I planned on going for a ride later today.  Then I remembered that I hate getting on my bike early in the morning.  No matter, they were all a lot older than I am and I don’t like talking to strangers, anyway.

The place was rather empty, which surprised me. I had no problem getting a booth. Restaurants always want a single diner to sit at the counter, but that’s a last option for me. Counters are never comfortable or semi-private.

My server, Jessica, appeared quickly to offer something to drink. As I’m not a coffee drinker, I can’t tell you if theirs is strong, week, good or bad. I just had water and orange juice.

Looking over the menu, I noticed the Apple Fritters at the top that were mentioned online.  Everyone says you gotta get these things, so I didn’t.  Look, I’m sure they’re fine. It’s just that I’m sitting there alone and I don’t need something that comes by the sack, or even a half-sack. If I go back with friends, we’ll order the Apple Fritters and share them, but it seems like overkill for one person.

Being a traditionalist, I just ordered two eggs scrambled well, biscuit, and breakfast potatoes. If you want bacon or sausage, it’s an upcharge. I asked Jessica which was better -bacon or sausage. She didn’t hesitate a moment. “Sausage.  Sausage patties. We hand press ‘em here.” Now to the best of my knowledge, I’ve never had hand-pressed sausage before. That was enough to give it a shot.

This iPhone shot doesn’t do it justice. Let’s face it, most food doesn’t photograph well. Food is brown because that’s the way you fry it. No matter, it was damn delicious. I’m not going to rave about it, because it’s just breakfast. However, it’s a very tasty breakfast. The eggs were cooked perfectly without being runny or over-cooked. The biscuit was homemade; light, flaky and warm. The potatoes looked like they had red skin on the sides, topped with onions and very flavorful. In fact, I’d go as far to say that they’re the best breakfast potatoes I’ve ever had. That leaves the sausage patty. It was definitely hand-pressed and you only get one, bit it’s big enough to count for three of those Jimmy Dean things that are shaped like a tube and these taste a lot better, too. Definitely a little bit of pepper spice, but not overwhelming. Like I said, the breakfast didn’t look like much, but it was quite delicious. Nothing fancy, but really tasty. So often, breakfast is a really disappointing meal for me when I eat in a restaurant. This had to be in my top 3 best breakfast meals and it was only $11.67 + tip.

Peach Valley Cafe also has a patio dining with a nice lakefront view. I walked out there to take look. There were plenty of people talking, folks exercising on the trail, and a line of cows walking around the lake in the pasture just beyond the fence. A couple of calves were feeding in the rushes surrounding the lake nearby. Other cows slowly walked up and nestled in to feed. I didn’t get it. They walked at least half-way around the lake, and the whole thing was lined with rushes. What the hell was so special about this spot? Whatever it was, they liked having breakfast there. I suppose I could relate. You can get breakfast at a lot of places, but I’ll pass a lot of them to come back to Peach Valley Cafe.

5 Nut Brownie

It’s happened.  I’ve become a weekend regular at Houston’s (slowly changing to Hillstone’s) in Winter Park. Every Saturday, I wake up and try to figure out what I want. If I’m not out of town or otherwise tied up, I end up going to the same place for lunch. Maybe I’m just a creature of habit.

Houston’s is a good place to be a regular. The staff is friendly, they know what I like, and I can usually count on a few folks who work there to stop by and say hello or talk for a bit. Weekend lunch is one of the few slow times for the restaurant.  Visit during a weekend evening or business lunch and you’ll find a good crowd ahead of you. That’s why I tend to enjoy weekend lunch. I’m not a fan of crowded restaurants and hustling servers when I’m out for a meal.

Consistent and Different

Houston’s changes its soup daily, but I know it’s always going to be chili & tortilla chips on Saturday.  That’s great during the colder months, but not quite as refreshing over the summer. The chili is good, but I try to find my way there on a Monday when I can for the red bean & rice soup. There are always changing specials for market fish and vegetables, but the changing features seem to rotate among familiar favorites. It’s a good combination of mixing things up while retaining some familiarity.

Unfortunately, sometimes the chefs working on the menu let their creativity get in the way of customer satisfaction. One of the popular side dishes I loved was black beans & brown rice. They tossed some interesting flavors into the mix, including a combination of chocolate cake batter and steak sauce. I could never replicate it at home, but I loved it.  From what the servers told me, so did most people who tried it.  In true culinary fashion, they took it off the menu. the first time they replaced it with a Dirty Rice dish that was just a bland, mushy mess of rice, corn and who knows what else. Then the black beans & brown rice came back…for a while. Once again, culinary ennui overcame good sense and they replaced it with another version of black beans & white rice. This time they turned to guava flavors that others seem to love, but I just can’t stomach it. I had hopes my favorite side dish would come back, but it seems to be gone forever. Why any business would stop making a customer favorite is beyond my comprehension.

[box type="info"]I went back to Houston’s (Hillstone’s) for lunch today and my server told me the replacement black beans & rice is also gone. I won’t miss that one. However, she said we could provide feedback on Hillstone.com if we want to lobby for the black beans & brown rice to return. Of course, they want your comments. They just don’t want them online Postal mail or FAX only.[/box]

Perhaps the thing I enjoy most that keeps me coming back is the consistent excellence.  I’m not a foodie.  In fact, I have quite a limited palette because I don’t like most of the frilly crap that foodies like. However, I can recognize good food that’s delivered with consistent quality over the years.  When I order a meal at Houston’s, I know what I’m going to get and I’ve never been surprised or disappointed from one meal to the next. The service team is equally professional, each watching out for the other and assisting you if your server is tied up with another table. It makes for an excellent dining experience that many other restaurants fail to deliver on a consistent basis.

Not the Average Chain

Houston’s is part of a small chain.  I’ve found others in New York, San Francisco and South Florida. They all seem to offer a pretty consistent experience, though with some regional variations in the menu. It’s not like going to Olive Garden, though. People tend to dress a little nicer, you don’t find quite so many children, and the atmosphere is a bit nicer than most chains. It also costs a bit more. While I don’t think the prices are out of line for the quality of food and service you receive, it’s not the kind of place where you go if you need to ask why the steak costs more than Outback Steakhouse.  You’re paying for a better meal in a better atmosphere. If that’s not something you value, then don’t go. Here’s an example.  Today, I selected one of the specials – grilled salmon and asparagus, along with iced tea. After that, I decided to splurge on the brownie you see above in the iPhone photo. By the time I left my tip, the bill totaled about $45. That’s a bit pricey for lunch and more than I usually spend. However, it was a great meal in a nice atmosphere.  I wasn’t rushed a bit or listening to a screaming crowd. In other words, it was worth it to me, and I’ll be back next weekend.

While I don’t trust the average person at all, it’s not a bad way to discover places you might normally miss.  That’s how I discovered Graffiti Junktion in Thornton Park.  It’s been there for a little while, evidently, since I sat next to a framed review of the place by Orlando Magazine.  I found it slightly humorous that a burger bar was reviewed in an issue with a cover story on eating healthy food, but I contained my laughter so as not to disrupt other diners around me.  Yes, I’m that thoughtful.

Graffiti Junktion is bright, colorful, and full of wanna-be hipsters who hang out in Thornton Park.  If you can get past that obstacle, then I’d say it’s worth checking out.  There’s no parking, except what you can find on the street.  Whichever parking space seems convenient to you, trust me, it’s already taken unless you’re one of those wanna-be hipsters who shows up on a scooter and just blocks the sidewalk with it.  Otherwise, I’d suggest you pay attention to the signs at surrounding businesses that say No Parking. They mean it.  Downtown Orlando is notorious for tow-truck drivers who will either boot your car or tow it away within moments of your illegal parking.

No matter how you arrive, don’t expect a fine dining establishment.  This is a place that seems to pride itself on being a dive-joint in an expensive neighborhood.  You can sit on benches outside or sit on benches inside.  Either way, they’ll have colorful graffiti pained on them.  Service seemed slow, but friendly.  Don’t plan on getting in and out quickly.  This is a place where you chill out and listen to the overplayed music on the jukebox.  Yes, you hear Poker Face about three times during your meal because the wanna-be hipsters are all about the Gaga.

Enough about the colors and the patrons.  This place has two things going for it – alcohol and burgers.  Note the sign definitely says burger bar.  Yes, you can probably find other stuff to eat here, like zucchini fries.  Ignore those items, as they’re only hear for the vegetarian wanna-be hipsters who think it’s somehow healthier to fry zucchini instead of a potato.  Get a burger and fries.

There are plenty of specialty burger options on the menu. It’s reminiscent of delis that have names for sandwiches that make absolutely no sense. It doesn’t hurt to check them out and see if there’s a combination of toppings you may like, but had never previously considered.  That sort of thing generally doesn’t work for me because I’m a picky son-of-a-bitch. Even so, they had sufficient options to please my taste. I could get a multigrain bun instead of the usual roll.  They had deli mustard to bring out instead of just using the plain yellow crap on the table. They even gave me a choice to sauté my onions instead of getting them raw, but I’m not one of those fucking wanna-be hipsters.  I got my onions raw.

Despite telling my server what I wanted on my burger, he still brought it out with toppings I didn’t want, including lettuce, tomato and sliced pickles. At least he didn’t put mayonnaise on the thing, so it was easy to fix.

Basically, it’s a pretty damn good burger and fries.  Is it the best in Orlando?  Some people will think so, and some won’t.  The good news is that it’s not overpriced.  I got a good sized burger, plenty of fries and a Coke for $10.  I’ve paid more for worse.  This is a trend that I actually like – better burgers for less money.  Yes, you can go to the Ritz-Carlton and have a burger almost good enough to give you an orgasm, but you’re going to pay like it’s the Ritz-Carlton.  Visit Graffiti Junktion or Morgan’s Burger Bistro (Sanford) and you’ll get a really good meal for a lot less.

Speaking of which, I think I have to give the edge to Morgan’s Burger Bistro for taste of the food, but the overall vibe in Graffiti Junktion is more interesting than Morgan’s, which is effectively like eating in Floyd’s Barbershop in Mayberry.

Graffiti Junktion is worth checking out if you’re in the mood for a good burger in a wanna-be hipster environment.  The people I saw were smiling and seemed to enjoy the place as much as I did.  Maybe you will, too.

Grafitti Junktion

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Morgan’s is a very small restaurant with roughly half a dozen tables and (apparently) no air conditioning. The tables & chairs are very basic. You don’t go to Morgan’s for comfort.

You go there for the burgers, which are very good. Are they the best in town? For me, so far I’d have to say yes. Are they the best burgers I’ve ever had? No, but pretty close. Mogran’s provides a burger reminiscent of your own backyard grill flavor, but with the exception of being cooked perfectly to order. The fries are outstanding and delicious, too. In fact, I think the fries are closer to perfection than the burgers. I tried the onion rings once. They were OK, but nothing special. Go with the fries.

Other than cheese & a bun, your burger comes out rather plain. There’s a condiment stand in the front of the restaurant where you can add your own toppings, and there are a plethora of choices. I have somewhat mixed feelings about this idea. On one hand, you get to add what you want. On the other hand, you have no idea what snot-nosed, diseased person was at that condiment station before you. If you have phobias about germ-control at open stations like this, you may have reservations.

That’s not to say that the restaurant isn’t kept clean. I’ve never noticed any filth of lack of attention to cleaning up in the place. The people who work there are quite friendly. The prices are cheap compared to going to a higher-end restaurant and getting a comparable burger. Morgan’s provides great value. There’s also more to the menu than burgers, but come on. It’s Morgan’s Burger Bistro. You go for the burger.

I gave it three stars because the place is OK. It’s not a five-star dining experience with a comfortable environment. My concerns about how the condiments are out in the open for anyone to touch also cuts back a bit. Morgan’s offers a quite good product at a very reasonable price, but let’s not over-hype the place.

Morgan's Burger Bistro